cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
