He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
