Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
