I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
