It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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