trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
