I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All the doctor said was why
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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