wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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