when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
