I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My ass is underappreciated
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
