In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
