I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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