if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize