we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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