So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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