she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
