Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
