I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
