Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Actions speak louder than pants.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
