Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
