He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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