Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
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you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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