P.S. I can't hear my feet
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
