her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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