Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
