Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy