When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?