Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT