I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i think i just lost a toe