I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
