I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
