I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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