I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
