How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
