i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
