the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
