Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
