I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I touched a dick in church today
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
