If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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