I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
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Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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