I hope mine doesn't look like that
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
