can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
