I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
