We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
