im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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