why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
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She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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