I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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