Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
