the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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