He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
