She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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