How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
