Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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