I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
