He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
