apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
